Page 11 & 12

I grew up with somewhat centrist verbiage surrounding religion. My mom grew up a distant Catholic while my dad was at one point a Jehovah’s Witness, followed by being a Catholic, but now residing as a heavy-hearted atheist. 


Kanek and I, unbeknownst to us, were signed up for CCD by 12, which he ended up opting out of, while I went through with my communion and confirmation. Through that process, a number of questioning thoughts had occurred to me; like many children who go through small or large scales of religious teachings.


I was severely depressed and didn’t understand why God wouldn’t just ‘fix’ me. I wondered why other kids, some younger than me, were going through hunger and cancer and death, when He (gendered very loosely) had the power to stop it. I didn’t understand why there was bad, and unluckiness, and hardships, I couldn’t understand why God would want his children to live that way. Why should we struggle and suffer, and feel like it’s “worth it” when it all could’ve been avoided, if only He had done something?


For a really long time I measured myself as an atheist. There was a moment when I had asked my dad why he thought people believed, and his answer was that he thought that it was because some people had an empty space in their hearts, big and/or small, and they needed something to fill that space with in order to survive. I took that as, there were some people that were weak. There were some people that needed to lie to themselves. Deceive themselves from the ‘truth’ that there was no path, no plan, and no God. 


There was no thought in my brain that my stance would ever change, but I found out very soon that I regularly put myself in the hands of God. When the fog in my brain would clear just a smidge, I would thank God. When I felt that loneliness was inescapable, I found friendship in God. So naturally, that kickstarted this want to create a relationship with Him that was meaningful and defined, through me. 


My biggest mistake was going back to church. Through my own experience, going back to church did not help, in the way I thought it would. A large emphasis on that last part. I started going to Christian youth group. Which was relatively fine, before it got to the part where leaders were pushing their own ideologies and agendas and preaching them as the word of God. Once that began, I tapped out. I was going through a personal process of questioning my sexuality and gender identity, and I also just didn’t believe in them nor that those forms of hate speech would be something that God would advertise. Although, it did begin a new way of thinking and process for me to continue to build the relationship I longed for. 


I found that due to a lack of religious environment, my “space” with God, was truly between Him and I, regardless of wherever I was. I found that the best way for me to continue with my faith was to create a divide between God and religion. I, 100%, believe in God, but I don’t practice, I don’t go to church, I don’t pray regularly, I’ve never even read the Bible. I’m not saying those things as flaunts, but I emphasize them because the relationship that I’ve built with God exists only within me, because it’s mine to dictate. 


I believe that God would want his children to interact with him in the best way that they possibly could. I believe that if God came down to Earth he would not wave people off due to gender, sexuality, race, or class. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I think people, in order to separate themselves from the ideologies that they know are hateful, use God as a neutrality space to not be classified as the homophobes and horrible people that they truly are. 


It’s thanks to those people, that I think, that people feel that there are rules and guidelines to having a relationship with God. I was once told that every prayer I made in my room didn’t “count” because in the Bible it says that prayers must be done in the home of the Lord, and my room wasn’t a church. I never even knew if that was true or not, but what I did know is that it came from a “devoted Christian” that just wanted me to practice in the most “appropriate” and “right” way I possible could. Whatever “right” means, I don’t care for it. 


Regardless, I lived in a miserable headspace for a long time. I’ve found myself pulling at the seams of my hair, on my knees, begging to Him for something to change. I’ve found myself waking up after getting hit by a car and repeatedly whispering to myself “Thank you God.” In my moments of despair and in my moments of relief, I look to Him. When I lay in my bed and fight the urge to let my thoughts snowball, I talk to Him. I find God in my parents, my brother, my aunt, cousin, and Luis; my closest friends, and my dearest boyfriend. I find Him in strangers I cross by on the street, or the ones I look at through my car. 


I understand that it's hard to believe in something. The world is ugly. People are horrible. Everyone will continue to suffer and struggle, and I will continue to question, but I’ve been given the breath to do that. I’ve been given unlimited patience and kindness and love to question, and wonder, and speak. I can continue to find myself being insecure, and scared, and in despair, and I will continue to find myself in the grace of Him; which in the end puts me in the grace of myself. 


All in all, the same way that I find Him in the people around me, I find Him in me. I find love in Him, and to be loved is to be at rest. 



“To yearn – whether for a human companionship or the presence of God – means to love across an impasse, to love in the shape of a question when you know the answer might be silence.”  – Ezra Craker